If you have a grief-related question, Ask the Counselor! Send your inquiries to Diana@GriefGirlfriend.com and I will post the answer here.
If this is a psychiatric emergency, do NOT submit your question - call 911 immediately or go to your nearest hospital emergency room.
Thomas M. asks: My wife is grieving the loss of a family member and I don't know how to comfort her. Part of my problem is that I don't really understand why she is feeling the way she does. My thinking is that when they're gone, they're gone. There's nothing we can do about it, so why make yourself miserable. Just move on and focus on other things. She says that I avoid her, I don't talk to her and that when I see her crying or sad, I leave and go into another room. I guess she's right, but I just don't know what to say or how to help. Any help would be greatly appreciated because I think I'm about to get bonked on the head by her.
Thomas, Tell your wife that she doesn't need to bonk you on the head. I think by the mere fact that you're writing shows how much you care and want to help. How easy would it be to know that you don't NEED to say anything to your wife? How do you think she would react if you just went up to her and wrapped your arms around her and let her cry and talk? Yup, that's right! That's all you have to do. We don't always have to have the answers. We don't always need to know what to say. We can be immensely helpful to our grieving loved ones by just being there for them. Just hold her hand. Just hold her. Just sit next to her. If you feel you need to say something and are still not sure what to say, say that! It truly is that easy! "Honey, I don't know what to say, but I can see that you're hurting." Just because you don't understand her grief response, doesn't mean that you don't care that your wife is hurting. Let me know how that works for you! Good luck! :)
Nancy B. asks: My adult son recently completed suicide. I know he was having social difficulties, but was unaware of any psychiatric diagnosis. There are rumors that he was bi-polar. I'm looking for answers as to why he did this and think I would like to research clinics, doctor's offices or therapists that he may have gone to and see if they can give me any information. Am I just torturing myself? I worry that I might not like what I find, as I suspected there was something going on, but didn't pursue it for fear of upsetting him. In retrospect, I wish I did, but I'm not sure it would have made a difference - but at least I would have tried.
Nancy, Loss of a child, at any age, is such a difficult loss to deal with, especially when it was due to a completed suicide. I'm sure you're dealing with so many unanswered questions and many questions will probably stay unanswered. You are a "suicide survivor," a loved one who is left behind to make sense of the loss of your loved one, your son. Part of the grief process is to try to make sense of the loss and seeking answers is part of that process. We also know that anger, guilt and regret are normal feelings in grief. I would ask you to reflect on why you want to seek out the information and what you will do with the information once you receive it. If you think it will bring you comfort, then I say go for it - BUT if it's just going to produce more guilt and regret and not offer a resolution for you, then I don't think it would be helpful. We all do the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" when we lose a loved one, but when we lose a loved one to suicide, this retrospective thinking goes into overdrive. Bottom line is this - we make decisions, at the time, based on the information we have at that time. You chose not to question your son for fear of upsetting him further. If you had the information at that time that he was thinking of suicide, you would have made different choices. You were not given that information at that time. I like to ask people to be gentle with themselves, as it seems to be the human condition to beat up on ourselves, particularly in grief. Nancy, this is such a difficult loss, that I fear I didn't give your answer justice in this forum. There are so many variables in a situation like this and so much more to say. I invite you to e-mail me at Diana@GriefGirlfriend.com if you would like to talk further. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you travel this grief journey, and "please be gentle with yourself."
Donna S. asks: My daughter called in tears last night. A friend of hers from college checked into the hospital on Monday with pneumonia and died from complications associated with it that same day. She is taking it VERY hard. He wasn't a drinker, he wasn't a smoker, he was a swimmer, and she is just blown away. I think it is her first eye-opener as a young adult that life can be taken so quickly at any time for no real 'reason' and it has floored her. Any advice you can give me in dealing with her?
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's friend! Sudden loss is so terrible, but especially when a person has no reason (smoking, drinking, etc) to die in that way. Reasonably healthy, and young, people are expected to get over bouts of pneumonia. Wow! I would definitely encourage her to cry about it and talk about it as often as she needs to. I'm sure she is supported by loving and caring friends and family, but sometimes we get the vibe that people don't want to be near that kind of pain or don't want to hear it again. With this kind of loss, I find that people need to talk about it a lot - over and over again - it's their way of trying to make sense of something that really doesn't make sense and probably never will. If you can be that person that she knows that she can go to, no matter what - that in itself will be invaluable to her.
David B. asks: I know I need to return to work, but I'm not looking forward to everyone coming up to me and asking me if I'm ok, telling me their sorry for my loss, and asking if there is anything they can do. I'm not comfortable talking about my loss to others than my family and friends and definitely don't want to talk about it, or think about it at work. How can I go back to work and avoid all of that? Or can I?
David, Thank you for the question. This is a common problem for a lot of people, so I think your question will help others in this situation as well. I usually recommend a couple of ideas. One, is there a time when the office activity will be less than first thing in the morning? It might help to go in at a time when there are less people around, so you can kind of get your feet wet, and meet with people in small doses. Two, you can also make a phone call to, or e-mail, the Human Resources Department, or your supervisor, and ask that they send a memo or make an announcement to the staff to not approach you about your loss for awhile. Try to remember, that most people are trying to be well-meaning and don't want to offend or hurt you. Be gentle with yourself, especially in the beginning. Don't expect to get a lot of work done, expect to have your attention span and focus be at a minimum. You may be easily distracted. And most importantly, expect to have grief attacks at work. Be prepared and have a plan for yourself in the event that this does happen. Do you have a door to your office you can close for some privacy? Can you easily excuse yourself and go some place private? I recommend having a discussion with your supervisor to let them know that you may need to leave and to be understanding while you go through the acute phases of grief. Things will slowly get better and your tolerance will build. I will keep you in my thoughts as you take this next step.