This is the place to share information with one another - from one caregiver to another or from one griever to another. If you found something particularly helpful to you and want to share, this is the place. If you want to share an inspirational story, this is the place. Whatever it is, feel free to offer to others to help make their journey an easier one. Contact me at Diana@GriefGirlfriend.com with your idea, suggestion, tip, advice, poem, story, article - whatever it is and I will include it on this page.
This story comes from Elsa Cardinal, whose son died when he was still a baby. Elsa has found that providing grief education to those who do not understand the grief process has helped her cope with her grief and loss. Elsa's story is one of hope and inspiration to others who not only are grieving, but who have suffered the special loss of losing a child. Thank you Elsa, for sharing such a personal, emotional and painful story, in an effort to help others who may be traveling on this path, and for those who need to know what is appropriate in grief.
My name is Elsa Cardinal, my son Damon passed away last April when he was just 16 months old.
The death of a loved one is such a hard thing to cope with. Before Damon died, I had experienced many losses in my life. My grandfather died when I was 8 or 9 years old, and that hit me hard. I missed him so much and I was not given the opportunity to say good-bye to him when he was on his death bed. I had a lot of resentment about that for years, but never told anyone about it. My newborn baby sister also passed away around that time and in my family crying was thought of as "weird." There were a lot of us--14 children in all. If we cried, we were thought to be weak and being laughed at was commonplace when emotions came out in our household, so I never had the opportunity to share my grief with anyone or even talk about it. When I was 18 years old, I was engaged to be married and 4 months pregnant with my first child. Long story short -- my fiance was tragically killed by his own friend and I was left alone to carry on with my pregnancy and start my life as a soon to be single mom.
I remember feeling so empty and alone . . . since I was just a couple months away from being eighteen, I lost the apartment we had, the vehicle we bought together, and my fiance's parents came and took a lot of stuff we had bought together. I had few options and decided to move back home. That was really difficult for me. I had left home when I was sixteen due to a host of issues with my controlling and extremely religious parents but I had no where else to go, it was a last resort. My family did not understand my grief AT ALL and within a few weeks they were sick of hearing, and seeing, me cry all the time and started to tell me off -- to get over his death and just move on, they thought it was so easy. They thought it was so easy to just forget what I lost and I couldn't. I bounced from place to place until a wonderful lady from victim services helped me find a little place and get some social assistance. I went back to school and tried my best to move on with my life.
I met a wonderful man years later and soon we started a family together . . . our son Damon was born on December 26, 2006 and he seemed completely healthy and absolutely perfect in every way. A few months later we became concerned with some symptoms he was having and after a brief hospitalization we found out he was terminally ill with Niemann-Pick Disease. For months, doctors were very hopeful and thought he would live well into his teens, but in mid-January 2008, Damon had deteriorated in many ways and he was admitted to the Stollery Children's Hospital to get his health back up to par. At first, things looked like he was going to get better, he started to smile and talk again and we were ever so hopeful . . .but a few days after I gave birth to our youngest son, doctors revealed that Damon only had a few weeks, to a few months, left with us. Our journey though our grief essentially started that day.
Accepting that he was going to die was REALLY hard for me. I kept thinking, "this can't be happening, this only happens to other people." But as I watched my son slowly fade away I knew it was real and that time was precious. Damon's palliative care doctors were amazing and helped me arrange to have him brought home where he could still get the care he needed medically, but be where he was most comfortable.
As a mother struggling to accept the reality of this I quickly researched on the net ways to make the best of the time we had left with him. I contacted a professional photographer who came to our house to photograph us as a family. I contacted a company to come and make molds of Damon's hands and feet, ink imprints, and a mold of me and my little boy holding hands. My husband brought a video camera and we did make a lot of home videos, and I took a lot of photographs. I didn't want to take a moment for granted. Our other children spent many hours with him; holding him, watching TV with him, or just sat next to him and enjoyed his company. I started to plan his funeral. I knew once he had passed away that I would not be thinking clearly and that decisions would be more difficult to make. It was a decision I was very thankful I had made.
This was our worst nightmare come true. It was really hard to cope because the support from most of our family and friends just was not there. I think for many they didn't know what to say or do. Some of the people we knew assumed that because he was sick that it was easier to let him go. It wasn't. Not at all! I remember the Minister of our church commenting a few days after his death, "well you kew it was coming." Implying that it must be easier to deal with his death because we knew it was going to happen. I can't tell you enough how hard and heartbreaking it was. We never knew when it was going to happen or if that particular day was going to be his last. We lived in the moment every minute of every day. It was really stressful on all of us. The relationship I had with my husband was on the rocks and the kids were having a really difficult time with it as well.
The day he died was the worst day of my entire life, hands down. I remember on that morning there was this awful feel to the day, more awful than usual. Such an overwhelmingly sad feeling was lingering in the air. I knew the end was coming a couple of hours before he passed. Mother's intuition I guess. After he passed away I felt so very empty. It was so intense and I remember looking out the window and being SO, SO sad. Although we had many family members come to console us that day, the emptiness was still there and it was HUGE.
Hugs seemed to help the most. Many, many poeple said the stupidest things to us, there were times when I bawled for hours because of an insensitive or ignorant comment that was made about my boy's death. I remember our daycare provider commenting that, "Why are you so upset, you have 4 other children?" or another mother commenting that, "At least he was still a baby, he's going to Heaven. Better now than later." I remember being so upset and angry that people were so ignorant . . . Did they actually think those comments were helpful or comforting??!
After meeting with a grief counselor, who had also lost her own child, I began accepting that people say the stupidest things because they have no idea what itis like or choose to have no idea. So, I began educating others about grief. I began telling others who said ignorant comments that those comments were not helpful for a grieving parent. Doing that helped me cope a little better.
It has been 17 months since my son passed away. Although I am still very much grief sticken, it is not as intense as it was for that first year without him. Time has not erased how much I miss him, but I am able to smile again and look ahead to the future with some optimism. During that first year, I remember not being able to plan ahead at all or even imagine life beyond that particular day. I just wanted my son back. I wanted my family back -- complete. I still cry and have many sad moments, but I also can get out of bed and have the energy to tend to my 5 other children and not feel like hiding somewhere and crying all day like I did even just 5 months ago.
Our first "share" is from JoAnne Funch of Heartache to Healing. Thanks JoAnne!
How to Support a Loved One Through Grief
By JoAnne Funch
In 2005, I suffered through the deaths of my mother, husband and an uncle. The grieving process has given me time to reflect on my needs and how the people around me reacted during that very difficult time. I needed strength and comfort and what I observed was loving people that didn't know what to say. Most people have never learned any skills in how to support a loved one through grief.
I was confronted with our friends who didn't know how to treat me now that I no longer had a spouse and therefore was no longer a couple. Suddenly I was not invited to participate in the things that we used to . After the initial 60-90 days following the death of my husband, I noticed people wanted me to be back to normal. I now understand this because it was only my life that changed not theirs. I needed to adjust. I encourage those who suffered loss to ask for what they need and I have put together some suggestions to help loved ones understand and support those through their time of grief.
1. You don't have to understand their loss, just continue to be supportive.
2. The one who suffered the loss wants to talk about their loved one, they want to remember. They don't want everyone to act like
they never lived and it is time to move on. This support should be on-going and could be year after year.
3. Let your loved one cry and feel the loss, be sure you hold their hand and let them know you are there for support.
4. Immediately following the death of a spouse, life can seem overwhelming with the thoughts of making decisions alone and assuming the
role of your departed spouse. This is a great time to step in for a period of time and offer assistance with those tasks you may have
been aware that the spouse performed.
5. If the loss has now left someone a widow, it is more important than ever to include that person in social plans. It can be as simple as a
dinner invitation, or an inclusion to events that you would have previously invited the couple. Understand that the widow has to bear the
grief of being alone they don't want to bear the additional grief of being excluded. Make them feel welcome in your group.
6. Life does go on, except for the one left behind. Life stands still and it is never too often for you to ask how they are doing and asking
how you can be of help. Remember as life goes on so does the house maintenance, yard work, car repairs, finances, and many other
tasks the widow could use ongoing help with particularly in the case of the elderly.
7. Holidays and other significant dates are difficult for anyone suffering a loss because those dates are still important and the memories of
good times gone by. Acknowledging these significant dates to your loved one is very important because you are telling that person you
remembered and know this is a difficult day or season.
8. Offer to help your loved one sort through the personal belongings of the one who has passed, that could be a few months or years after
the passing. Understand each person deals with this very personal task differently.
9. When a minor child loses a parent, talk about the parent fondly and reassure the child it's OK to talk about the deceased parent.
10. Encourage children to find ways to honor the memory of the deceased parent in whatever way is comfortable for them.
11. Ask the child periodically how they are doing and ask if they want to talk with you about the deceased parent or how they are feeling
after time has passed.
12. Offer to accompany your loved one to a grief therapy group if they are hesitant to go alone.
13. If you feel your loved one is suffering on-going depression or any other health issues, encourage them to seek professional help. You
can offer assistance in locating a professional and even drive them to appointments, this could be very supportive.
Loss is difficult when going through it, being more attentive to the feelings and needs of those left behind to deal with the loss is the greatest gift you can give them.
JoAnne Funch is now dedicated to supporting those grieving a loss through her website Heartache to Healing http://www.heartachetohealing.com/blog
Coming Soon:
An article on the importance of leaving a letter or note to your loved ones if you are suffering from a terminal illness.
Also, a support plan that describes organizing a plan of care for a loved one who is terminally ill.